Invest in the relationship with your child: the currency of play

Play has a vital role in children’s development, but what may surprise is its function within family dynamics.

Playing is not just a pleasant way to spend time together — it’s a real investment in the relationship with our children, a way to strengthen emotional closeness and build mutual trust.

Child-led play, where children choose what to do and take the lead, boosts self-esteem and reinforces the parent–child bond.

Dedicating even a few minutes to play helps nurture this connection, creating a reserve of emotional closeness to draw upon during challenging moments — like saving for a “rainy day” or collecting reward points to spend when greater understanding is needed.

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Play is a way of learning

When was the last time you played? Maybe you can’t even remember. Adults tend not to play anywhere near the recommended amount, much to our detriment. We won’t go in to adult play too much here, but Dr Stuart Brown of Stanford sums it up nicely: “The opposite of play is not work – it’s depression.” As important as it is for adults to engage in playful activity, for children it’s absolutely essential. It’s the primary method through which children learn.

The definition of play provided by the Oxford Dictionary “engaging in any activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a practical purpose”. This is a little bit misleading from a psychological perspective, as children are learning about themselves, other people, and the world each time they engage in play. This seems like a seriously practical purpose to us! From the moment that babies gain control over their limbs and bodies, they begin to interact physically with the world, and that activity and interaction becomes an essential form of learning and receiving feedback.

By doing so, children internalise their experiences and form core beliefs about who they are both independently and in relation to others as well as how the world works. You might not realise it, but there are actually different types of play. We will be talking to you about many of these types in the future, but for our purposes today, we want to talk to you about a vital type of play, particularly for neurodiverse children. It’s called child-led play.

Child-led play

Child-led play is a type of play involving any activity that is done for fun between a child and caregiver (you!). You might be wondering why you should do this when you already have a million things on your to-do list and little spare time, without adding in extra recreational activities with your child. Well, it’s actually vitally important for your child’s psychological development, primarily as it relates to your relationship with your child.

For those of us with neurodiverse children, who find it more difficult to interact with the world around them than neurotypical children do, our engagement with our children in child-led play is enormously important. When our children’s behaviour is difficult for us to manage or tolerate, we may consciously or unconsciously spend less time with them as a sort of “path of least resistance" coping technique. The urge to do this is entirely understandable, but in the end, it’s not beneficial for the child.

How to play

A better strategy is to set some time boundaries and spend dedicated one-to-one time with them (no siblings are allowed !), as often as you can, engaging in a positive manner in an activity that they choose. Instead of pulling away from our child, thereby potentially sending a message that they aren’t worthy of our time, we instead approach them to purposely request that you do something fun together uninterrupted and where you give your undivided attention to them (phones to the side!).

When this is done consistently, it demonstrates to the child that they are not only valuable to you, but also that you care about their interests and can actually have authentic fun together. When you introduce this idea to your child, you might want to come up with a playful name for it (e.g., “Mika & Mummy time”). Chances are that your child will love this idea!

You don’t need much time — often 10–15 minutes are more than enough.You can play together before preparing dinner, during a short break, or while your child is having an after-school snack. What matters is that it’s a reliable and regular moment: a little time, but often.

A timer can help manage expectations, especially if your child wants to keep playing. And if at first it feels repetitive or not particularly fun, don’t worry — with a bit of practice, that will change too.

There are only a few guidelines to follow to make sure it’s a success and that the intended outcomes are achieved:

1. Let your child choose what to play - (no persuasion from the adult, at least initially!) 

   
   

2. Give your undivided attention while you play (phone on the side) - Do not overdo it, you need to be able to sustain it… 15 minutes is plenty

   
   

3. Relax and enjoy. No need to teach anything while you play. Be sure not to criticise or direct your child, it’s meant to be positive for you both. 

   
   

4. Make sure you let them know what you enjoyed after you played. We promise it will be all about the time spent together after some practice. 

   
   

5. You plan and agree the next time you will play together again (and make sure you turn up at that next appointment

Invest in your relationship with your child: bank on the currency of play from which to draw when presented with challenging behaviours.

This type of parent-child activity not only strengthens and improves the child’s view of themselves but also improves the relationship between the caregiver and child. In this way, it puts more currency in the relationship bank so to speak. Therefore, when the child eventually needs to be corrected or reprimanded, there’s a currency of closeness from which to draw. Think of it as saving for rainy days or collecting ‘brownie points’ with your partner to spend later at a time when you need them! It’s a major drag for both caregiver and child when most - if not all - of the interactions are negative or neutral (e.g., put your shoes on, come to the table for dinner, etc.), and we’re sure we don’t have to convince you that it eventually puts a strain on the relationship. 

If you think about it, it’s the same with adult relationships – you wouldn’t spend much time around another adult (coworker, romantic partner, family member, or otherwise) if all the interactions were negative. It’s a little bit similar to a dedicated “date night” between romantic partners. It’s a way to put the fun and positive feelings back into the mix and remember what you love and like about the other person. 

Child-led play is also good for us as caregivers because it helps us to soften to the child in a time-bound but recurring way, especially where children have frequent frustrating and enraging behaviour, and it’s incredibly beneficial for the child’s development and emotional growth. When done regularly, it's incredible to see what wonderful changes it can yield in a child’s behaviour and in the relationship between parent and child.

Are you ready to play? Discover Oli help’s activities and turn playtime into an opportunity for growth and connection with your child.