Alessio Bellato, Ph.D.
University of Southampton, UK & University of Nottingham, Malaysia.
Biography
Dr. Alessio Bellato is a Lecturer and researcher in the Department of Psychology at the University of Southampton, UK. He previously worked as a developmental clinical psychologist in Italy. His current research focuses on emotional regulation in children, adolescents and young adults, particularly examining the link between behavioral signs of emotional dysregulation and physiological markers. He is passionate about developing new diagnostic tools for emotional dysregulation and evaluating the effectiveness of psychological interventions in this area for children and adolescents. Dr. Bellato has published approximately 40 studies in international journals and leads the MiND research group at the University of Nottingham in Malaysia. He is also an editor for the Journal of Child Psychiatry and Psychology Advances, where he oversees the publication of systematic reviews and meta-analyses.
What is emotional self-regulation?
It’s common to feel overwhelmed by emotions and to be unsure how to calm or manage them appropriately. These moments may leave us discouraged, embarrassed or even guilty. We might wonder: “Why can others stay calm and handle their emotions while I can’t?”. Or, as parents, “Why can other children control themselves, but not mine?”
Emotions impact us more deeply than we expect and can hit hard when they do. Without realizing it, we face emotional challenges daily. When emotions become too intense, they can be difficult to manage.
In everyday life, we are often expected to regulate our emotions in a way that aligns with our environment. This ability—emotional self-regulation—is something we use almost unconsciously. For instance, when a child loses a game or cannot have a desired toy, they must manage their frustration and avoid reacting with anger or aggression towards friends or parents. Similarly, children must learn to avoid being overwhelmed by sadness if they receive a bad grade or feel embarrassed by an incident.
Parents also face similar challenges—whether it’s dealing with tantrums (from their children or even colleagues), stressful workdays or never-ending to-do lists. In such situations, staying calm, expressing challenges, and communicating feelings without aggression or impatience, is vital, though certainly not easy.
Emotional regulation: from childhood to adulthood
Emotional self-regulation is a skill that develops over time and is essential—especially in adulthood—for our physical and psychological well-being. The ability to regulate emotions and moods helps us succeed academically and professionally, at university as much as at work, and build and maintain healthy relationships with partners, friends, colleagues and others we interact with daily.
From the earliest months of life, babies signal their emotions of discomfort or distress (such as crying when hungry) to parents. Parents respond by adapting their behaviour (e.g., offering a pacifier or cuddling) to bring the baby back to a state of well-being and comfort. Over time, children learn emotional self-regulation through co-regulation. When experiencing negative emotions, they seek interaction and support from a trusted adult (e.g., a parent, close family member, or teacher).
During these interactions, children expect specific responses: validation of their emotions (“I see what you’re feeling and understand it’s upsetting”), practical strategies to restore well-being (“Let’s try this and see if it helps”), and emotional support (e.g., hugs or physical comfort to reduce bodily stress associated with emotions).
A supportive family and social environment are thus crucial for developing emotional self-regulation skills, not only in early childhood but throughout all developmental stages.
As language acquisition and brain systems mature, these interactions become more complex and expand to include friends and, later in life, partners. This evolution enriches emotional self-regulation strategies, allowing individuals to choose the most suitable approach for the situation. Adolescents and young adults, for example, learn to reframe negative events to reduce their emotional impact or manage expressions of emotions like anger or sadness to avoid inappropriate or aggressive reactions.
ADHD and emotional self-regulation
The development of emotional self-regulation skills varies from person to person. Around 60% of children and adolescents referred to psychological or psychiatric services (including those with ADHD) struggle with emotional self-regulation, often termed emotional dysregulation. This condition encompasses irritability (greater sensitivity to frustration, anger, or impatience), social withdrawal (e.g., hikikomori behavior), impulsive or aggressive actions, self-harming or suicidal thoughts, and substance abuse or addiction.
Children with ADHD or other neurodivergent conditions (e.g, autism or oppositional defiant disorder) often find it harder to manage emotions. In ADHD, emotional dysregulation manifests as impulsive or aggressive reactions, heightened frustration and difficulty overcoming negative emotions like anger or sadness.
Research and theoretical models suggest that emotional dysregulation is a core component of ADHD, likely linked to differences in the development and functioning of specific brain systems associated with the condition. However, clinical approaches often focus on resolving emotional dysregulation as a problem (sometimes with medication) rather than teaching specific emotional regulation skills before difficulties become unmanageable. Researchers and psychologists are working to better understand how these skills evolve over time and what factors (e.g., social or cultural) influence these processes. The goal is to develop targeted psychological interventions that promote emotional self-regulation skills rather than solely addressing symptoms.
How can we teach children emotional self-regulation?
How can we support children in developing the skills to manage emotions in daily life? Parents can serve as invaluable role models. Here are some strategies to try with your children:
Help identify and name emotions. Ask questions like “How do you feel?” or say, “You look upset—are you?” to help children better understand their emotions. Start with basic emotions for younger children (first positive, then negative) and explore subtler feelings (e.g., embarrassment or jealousy) with older kids. Incorporate these discussions into playtime, drawing, storytelling, or outdoor activities like bike rides. Oli’s emotion-pedia is designed to help you and your child find the right words.
Show empathy, accept and validate emotions. Use phrases like “I understand you’re feeling frustrated” or “It’s normal to feel sad sometimes” to help children feel understood and accept their emotions, especially the tough ones. This is particularly critical during a meltdown, but it’s an equally handy skill when you’re dealing with what might look like defiance.
Practice positive ‘time-outs (or ‘time-ins’) Teach children to take a break when emotions become overwhelming. This isn’t a punishment but a chance to self-regulate in a designated space or moment of calm.
Model non-aggressive emotional self-regulation strategies. Children learn by watching adults. Show how you handle stress or anxiety positively and involve older kids in finding practical solutions for problems “with a cool head.” Reflecting on questions like “What could you have done differently in that situation to feel better?” helps children find positive alternatives. Sharing emotional experiences with your child also strengthens the bond and fosters a supportive family environment.
Try breathing and relaxation techniques. Practice deep breathing together (“Inhale in 3, 2, 1… exhale slowly in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… again” - check out Oli’s How to breathe guide here) or relaxation exercises (“Close your eyes and imagine a peaceful, happy place”). These strategies can help children manage frustration or anxiety independently.
The next time you feel overwhelmed by emotions or see your child struggling to manage theirs, remember—you are not alone. Many children and adults find emotional self-regulation challenging because it’s a universal struggle. Tools like Oli help (especially the emotion-pedia and other emotional self-regulation activities) can provide valuable daily support.
One step at a time, together.
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