Hi there!
Welcome to Oli’s world!
We’re happy to launch Oli’s blog, open to anyone who values a more inclusive future for all children and is keen to share their experience or has something to say. I am Valeria, Oli help founder & CEO and I’m here to break the ice! This first blog post is a response to a question I get asked a lot: ‘how do you explain neurodiversity to kids (and to their grandparents for that matter!)?’
When your child brings up the ‘weird’ kid in the class, what exactly do you say? Nowadays you can ask ChatGPT of course and you’re likely to get a more reliable answer than at school drop-off or in the class Whatsapp group! But let’s face it, chances are high you are dealing with a neurodiverse child or, as we like to say with a young ‘diverse mind’. That’s why I am cutting all cr*p and dedicating this first blog post to empowering every parent to get the hang of neurodiversity so they can find their own words to explain ‘weird’ and why it matters to their child’s future.
In case you don’t have time to read on, then here’s a few take away points:
When your child encounters a new classmate with unique characteristics, it’s normal for ‘weird’ to come up and unsurprising for you to feel unsure about the best way to respond but we’re here to help.
Understanding neurodiversity yourself is crucial for you to be able to explain it to your child and actively contribute to creating a more inclusive future for all kids.
Making sense of diverse minds is no easy endeavour – even for neuroscientists – but we can help you do it and by reading this post you’reoff to a great start.
Oli’s step-by-step ‘how to’ guide below will help find your words and know how to respond to your child
Addressing children’s concerns with openness and empathy is critical for their well-being and for fostering a more inclusive school environment.
‘Mum, that new kid is weird’ - It’s ok, I can help you respond in the best way.
‘Why does he talk so funny?’ ‘The way she moves, it’s awkward - some kids made fun of her in the garden’ ‘She just repeats things the whole time and interrupts, it’s so annoying’ ‘He’s always on his own and doesn’t want to play’… Finally your child spills the beans about that new child in the class… He/she is new to school or maybe they got reshuffled and is now in your child’s classroom… You hadn’t dared ask about him/her and were waiting for your child to bring it up because ‘anyways he/she might not even notice’. But now that they have, I am not surprised if you are wondering what to say! What is the right thing to say?
It feels like a pretty complicated situation and you don’t have all the details. You overheard a few mums at the school gate talk to each other - did they say ‘learning something - was it DSA?’ another one said ‘autism for sure because nowadays it’s such a wide spectrum’. But some closer parents speculated it is surely about ‘anger management’ and ‘behavioural issues’ because the class reps ‘are not allowed to provide any details as it infringes on privacy and sensitive personal data’. Maybe the child has special educational needs, he’s on an Education, Health and Care Plan (EHCP or local equivalent) or he qualifies for additional support under the respective disability legislation and the parents want to protect the minor from being labelled? Or maybe Sue is right after all - the child is going through a hard time as the parents are getting a divorce! What’s the big deal, should I even care? If you care for a more inclusive future for all kids the answer is yes and I’m here to help you respond in the best way.
You’re about to do your homework - Let’s start with a few basic terms.
I am not trying to reinvent Wikipedia but we also know Google can be overwhelming, let alone unhelpful. If you feel confused you are not alone. Clinically there are ongoing medical debates about diagnostic criteria for ‘disorders’ as defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) and the International Classification of Diseases (ICD) - every now and then a reputable committee merges or unmerges the Excel cells that underpin the categorisation (when did Asperger’s disappear? Wasn’t it called ADD at some point?).
Scientifically we now know more than ever about mankind and the brain but we also know how much we don’t know (maybe we should have kept this to ourselves!). Philosophically the world is split and torn between whether people should be labelled or not labelled because of the implications it may have from a societal point of view. Culturally it’s impossible to even do a roundup of interesting genesis and other theories - if you are Italian like I am ‘i nonni’ (the grandparents) might bring it down to ‘è ‘maleducato/a’ (a lack of manners) a shorthand for your (inadequate) parenting skills. Or, if you are lucky and kept out of the equation, maybe it was that jab?!
I’ll keep it short and simple to 3 commonly used terms and one created for the convenience of ordinary parents like myself:
Neurotypical - A person whose neurological functioning is defined as typical or in the normal range.
Neurodivergent - A person whose neurological functioning differs from what is considered typical or in the normal range; not neurotypical.
Neurodiverse - An inclusive term describing the heterogeneity of human minds according to the idea that each human being is unique in cognitive and behavioural characteristics.
Diverse minds - At Oli help our belief is that every child is able to contribute to the world in a unique and powerful way – they just need to be understood and given the chance to succeed.
(Disorders? Labels? We’re talking about Autism Spectrum Disorder; ADHD; Dyscalculia; Dysgraphia; Dyslexia; Dyspraxia; Oppositional Defiant Disorder; Sensory processing disorders; Social anxiety; Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and so on. We do go by the latest DSM and ICD when we talk lo about these but we do our best to help you make sense of diverse minds. Follow us on our social channels to learn more and find your own words to explain each to your child.)
You can do it - find your own words, here’s how!!
Now coming to how to respond to ‘weird’ and explain neurodiversity to your child:
Explain that everyone’s brain is different - we all think, learn and process information differently. Bring it home by asking your child what they are really interested in and talking about your own quirks!
Focus on strengths - lead the way by pointing out what they’re good at, not necessarily at school. Listen with curiosity to how they observe differences in others, don’t encourage them to ‘look the other way’.
Don’t label - unless you have explicit consent to do so, there are very good reasons why you shouldn’t (*The diagnosis may not yet be known or the child may have not been informed yet or they will never get one but it doesn’t mean their struggles aren’t real*). It’s always safe to talk about ‘diverse minds’ however!
Practise empathy and acceptance - imagine feeling so different like something is wrong with you… Talk about being kind and understanding, and how it can make someone who is struggling feel much better!
Learn more about ‘diverse minds’ together - read books and watch TV programmes that celebrate neurodiversity. Your child will learn about the world and you may learn something more about yourself!
‘It’s not fair’ - Explain how fairness doesn’t mean ‘the same’.
‘If he misbehaves he gets to go to the playground’ ‘Everyone else has to sit at their desk and he gets to move around whenever he wants’ ‘He gets extra time on a test’ ‘He gets to play with his Pokémon cards the whole day - the teachers just let him’… Uhmmm, if you’re thinking ‘that’s odd, it doesn’t sound too fair actually’I get it. After all, is something like ADHD even a medical condition? Everyone gets distracted to some extent, surely you can’t reward a kid with a playground break just because he isn’t motivated to sit down and focus on his activity. If it doesn’t sound intuitive at all, well it sure isn’t. Some brains are wired differently and neuroscientists are still trying to figure out the role certain neurotransmitters play to mention one of the many unsolved enigmas. The point here is that I don’t expect you to earn your second PHD but please trust the professionals in your school and medical community when they provide accommodations. Or trust me because I’ve been there and can guarantee I’d rather not have them!
Your child needs to know that being fair doesn’t necessarily mean treating everyone the same. Some people might need more help to get to the same place. Be honest that differences are beautiful but can make life really different for some children. Be curious about how the brain works, why not learn about diverse minds together?
‘Dad, I’m scared of that child’ - Find ways to connect and never panic.
‘If she’s angry, she’ll start biting’ ‘He just goes crazy, starts running around all of a sudden and breaking things’ ‘He was on the floor screaming and kicking’ ‘I’m afraid he’ll hit me just because I finished my activity earlier’ ‘It was really scary mum, the teachers didn’t know what to do and even the headteacher looked terrified’. Right let’s face it - no parent wants to hear these sorts of things are happening in school, let alone notice a bruise or find out their child was the victim of an angry child - WHATEVER the severity or intent of the action WHATEVER the medical diagnosis of the child. We hear you loud and clear. Physical and emotional safety at school are the right of EVERY child and the priority of EVERY educator. We believe this should be the case but let’s admit it’s easier said than done - and, above all, requires the cooperation of all parents including at home - for a truly inclusive classroom, in which all kids thrive.
Your child needs to know that he/she can speak about their feelings at school as much as at home. Teaching children about their feelings is crucial and as a parent you might need to step in. Whatever they bring up, don’t panic - parental panic can spread like wildfire, kids’ sense of preoccupation easily goes viral and before you know it the teacher or even a child can disappear overnight for ‘burnout’… Do we really need another pandemic? Be empathic with all involved, why not encourage dialogue with the child and their family?
Thank you for reading on till the end! I invite you to continue exploring our resources, engaging in conversations, and advocating for a more inclusive future for all children!
From the mum of one.
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